"I don't know what to do." That's what I hear

So many times. I say this constantly.

Yet what I mean, I cannot say for sure--

I only know I'm lost, it's hard to see

.

The purpose in my life; it's hard to feel

What's best to do--what I need most in life

And…

But live I must, for now, so I'll contrive

To try things, to explore, to seek a guide

Or mentor to help lead me. I'm alive,

And thus there's hope, and so upwards I'll glide

.

T'wards better love, t'wards more, if e'er I may;

I'll build on what I learn. I'…

I need to love myself--but that's quite hard.

I don't know how to do it, nor do I

Have guidance, step by step success. I'm barred

From learning this great skill--I heave a sigh.

.

Oh, if there is a way to learn, I'll study,

Take notes, and practice till I…

I can see the stars, but I don't have the fuel.

My trajectory is set, but I'm gazing off to the side.

I'm going somewhere, but not where I'm looking.

The possibilities are limitless, but my choices finite.

I started too early, and I'll be too late.

W…

I hope, through all of this, that I have learned

Some lessons to apply to later life,

So I may save fond friends from future strife,

And loathe myself a little less. I turned

My eyes upon myself, at point of knife,

From others' viewpoint: hard. It changed…

My left leg's been through surgery--ah! Twice.

I'm walking nearly normally by now,

But that was taxing. Very. I'll allow,

My limp's a minor thing, one grain of rice

Within a heaping bowl.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Oh, I would splice

Tho…

My life, in recent months, has been o'erfull.

There's too much going on, inside my heart

And head, to parse, to handle. As for art,

I've had no spoons to work. I'm gath'ring wool,

Bereft of words, o'ercome. I've been a fool

Both in and out of love. How ca…

My Roller Coaster Buddy,

The man who’d “bomb” my hair,

A man of integrity, kind and fair.

Who loved to tease,

Who was silly and always had fun,

Everyone has a favorite memory of “Brother Murphy”.

To everyone he would meet,

He’d give them a …

And the mask did shimmer and flow like molten gold

but where did the tattered robe of the exalted King go?

Chant and scream until all in unison sing--

Once, for the twin suns that rival to be seen,

Twice, for the black stars and the glow of strange moons,…

In the darkness when man does sleep

and a pallid moon is the only company he keeps

the waves are calm, the silence deep,

but in his dreaming heart is only greed.

Our candles burn low crying tears of soft wax

but we rejoice for it is our time at last.

Tim…

Dreaming heart breaks

there's no escape

when you're with him

I drown within

your sweet memory

. . .

You're breaking free

aching tears sliding

now they fall free

sobs spaced between

and then you leave

a sweet memory

. . .

It's all nothing

'ship corrup…

There’s nobody who knows as well as I

How stealthily dark thoughts will bruit and shove

The rational, the calmer ones; they lie

And whisper: “You’re not worthy of their love!”

.

And oh my dear, I know that this is true,

So venomous to both of us. Yo…

There is no Christmas morning planned this year.

We might not even see a Halloween.

The doom-predictions' date will soon be here,

And our defenseless bones will be picked clean.

.

We can see the waters rising, see the waves;.

They claw and grope and maul …

When dusk descends, the waves draw near,

And gravity holds sway.

I hold the moon within my eye;

I hope I'm drawn away.

I raise my hands

Above the sands

The moon commands me: Come without delay.

I joy! Her Majesty has heard!

I hasten to obey.

I wrap mys…

The cabin boy, now Master of the Ship, walked alone

stepping over the glass-eyed corpses of meat and bone,

men who had once been, the only fathers he'd ever known.

He cried for his own loss and the light-lost souls forever gone.

The ship shuddered and cr…

The ship heaved high, breaking through the waves,

the dark hell of night's clouds and the sea's spray

Stars cloaked by a devil's veil were hidden away

and the once mighty captain was lost and afraid

The crew revolted pledging their wails to the winds,

pa…

I've got a monster in my chest

A sad one

Like the evil Eeyore that hides underneath your comforter at night when the room is too hot and your skin is too cold and everything is too much and not enough and you're certain that you're dying inside of your sk…

There's a creature that lives somewhere between my ribs. Small, wild, a lover of the moon. Shaped like a lily and glowing like the warmth of a single lit match.

It was born when we met. A spark amongst tinder.

It stumbled onto its feet like a newborn la…

I miss people I shouldn't

I miss people I can't have back

I miss people I don't want back

I miss people who no longer exist...

Their bodies walk around with strangers inside

And I wonder if anyone misses the old me's that died

Aug. 10 2016

I put my pieces back differently after we left each other shattered.

So when I see you again my heart races but not in the same rhythm.

When you speak, I hear your words but your voice is different.

When I try to talk, almost everything…

Do we orbit or dance? An orbit

is a dance

of gravity, energy, mass.

Are you afraid of collisions?

honestly, I'm not sure what you could fear.

I'm afraid--afraid of missing.

Afraid that the twisting shadows,

strangely posing are deceptions

wit…

Lascia ch’io pianga

I'm like a beast- other to myself

mia crude sorte

a gendered thing

e che sospiri

and maybe one last breath...

la libertà.

La libertà…

can I be an apple boy

but a cranberry girl?? Citrus

dripping sour

in my words, t…

Unapologetically together,

seeming like we're teeming with

something you'll never know.

Seeping with tingly feeling,

I am not ashamed.

Sometimes almost instinctually

jealous.

Green and calloused...

your face.

Are you sick?

You should be ashamed.

Others' h…

You know that words can hurt

Even more than a stick or a stone.

A pen destroys more than a sword

A doctor’s care I can’t afford

But there’s safety in staying alert;

Still more, in life alone.

I see where I went wrong;

I’m uncertain what I should have don…

Graceful, sad queen of the swimming birds

covered in tulle and leaping-

your sickness was hidden so well.

So bloody your nails, so clean your face,

your mind tilted into a broken Arabesque

and split like a hologram projected from a shattered lens.

Lik…