"Morning, Aralis!" The blonde girl bounced into the shop, effortlessly slipping behind the counter and slipping an apron over her head.
"You're late," the other teased.
"By like, two minutes! The shop isn't even open yet!"
"I know, I'm teasing. Jeez Kri, don't take it so seriously." Aralis leaned over and kissed her on the cheek. "You know I only tease."
"Ah- yeah, I know." She pouted slightly.
Aralis took a sip from her coffee, and stuck out her tongue. "Bleck."
"No good today?"
"Not a bit. But I guess that's the point of experimenting. You can't find good things without a little leap of faith sometimes. But I can't give the bad ones to the customers." She took another sip. "Wanna try it?"
Kri giggled. "Sure." She took a sip from the cup, and resisted doing the same reaction. "It's... edible."
"I warned you that it was awful."
"It's caffeine. Which you somehow get by without."
"You give me all the energy I need."
Aralis blushed slightly. "Shut up. Go open the door for the customers."
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Comments (6 so far!)
This is a cute exchange. My observation is that you're focusing a lot on dialogue, which is fine - it's absolutely an important skill to be able to carry a scene only by speech. I only reflect that there are one or two slightly flat moments in the scene.
You get around it slightly by continuing on as soon as possible, but I think mixing it up with an observation or two about how the characters are interacting in non-verbal ways would both give us more insight into their relationship and keep story flowing at a good pace!
- #3994 Posted 3 years ago
Thanks for the compliment, and advice! Honestly, if I had more characters, I probably would've added more non-verbal stuff, but as it was, it didn't fit in with the rest of what I wanted to put in, unfortunately. So, it wound up cut.
Maybe if I ever re-write it with a less-strict character limit, I'll try to add in more non-verbal stuff. It'd be nice, I think.
- #3995 Posted 3 years ago
It's definitely never easy to fit all the elements in with the character count. You did a great job getting lots of character traits in!
- #3996 Posted 3 years ago
Glad to hear! I love writing, so it's nice to know I'm doing pretty decently.
- #3997 Posted 3 years ago
Cute scene. My favorite part was Kri trying to be diplomatic/find some silver lining in the awful coffee.
- #4046 Posted 3 years ago
I'm glad you liked it! Kri tries very hard to be optimistic, especially about Aralis's experiments. Of course, Aralis sees right through her simply calling it edible.
- #4061 Posted 3 years ago
- Published 3 years ago and featured 3 years ago.
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