Aidra played gently with the necklace she was wearing. A beautiful, raspberry-colored gem made up most of the pendant, held in place by ornately woven strands of silver, a small ring connecting it to a thin silver chain. The boy who'd given it to her said it complimented her emerald-green eyes and ebony-black hair nicely. She couldn't wipe the grin off her face.
"Honestly, would you stop that? It's just a dumb necklace," Elora said to her, clearly losing patience.
"It's a beautiful necklace, and besides, it's from Klein."
"What's up with you and that dumb boy? He's nothing special!"
"You're just mad I've been spending time with him!"
"That's not it at all!"
"Then what is it? You're jealous he likes me?"
"No, he's just a dumb boy! I don't know why I even put up with you anymore, all you think about is him!" Elora got up to leave.
"No, Elora!" Aidra jumped up to stop her. "What's really wrong?"
"You speak of nothing but him, and you've never worn a necklace I've given you!" Elora stormed off.
Comments (4 so far!)
Ooooh. Cruel twist in the last sentence. I like.
- #3984 Posted 1 year ago
Very nice. With the title and the way the story progressed, you managed to surprise me at the end. My two minor bits of criticism are that there is too much hyphenated color in the first paragraph. The first raspberry is probably okay but the emerald-green and ebony-black (which doesn't quite sound right for some reason) feel like too much. The other part is the sentence "clearly losing her patience" is so much more tell than show. Originally I thought the answer was to start the sentence before the dialogue with "Elora lost her patience" but that doesn't actually fix the main problem. If there was a kind of action she could take that would show us that she lost her patience that would be better, like slamming her hand on a desk or something. It sort of depends on what it looks like when she loses her patience. You know?
- #4041 Posted 1 year ago
Also, thank you for using one of my prompts!
- #4042 Posted 1 year ago
Yeah, it does sound a little awkward there. I'd probably reword it if I knew how to do it well? But sorta, wanted to convey how directly flirty the boy had been being, since people often liken stuff to other stuff based on colors or other properties? Oh well. Another thing to keep in mind.
Maybe I could work it "frustration creeping into her voice" instead? Since I wanted it to kinda be more clearly that the words she's saying are because she's getting frustrated and impatient, rather than any physical thing. Mostly about voice and word choice.
And no problem! It was a nice prompt that immediately gave me an idea. Part of why I decided I should definitely join the site, actually!
- #4057 Posted 11 months ago
- Published 1 year ago and featured 1 year ago.
- Story viewed 12 times and rated 0 times.
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