Creeping Doubt

Robert Quick

Where the -@!# did my muse go?

Writer, dreamer, knight, shackled by entertainment . . . and people.

I wonder if I'm unwanted. Am I the problem? I've always tried to make things better but I feel like I'm trying to keep the heart beating on a dying Clydesdale. Substitute any other majestic animal you want. For me the Clydesdale carries mass and dignity in equal amounts. I give this metaphorical horse food, water, and loving attention. It doesn't seem to matter though. Maybe it doesn't need me. Maybe if I was gone, the horse would be doing fine. Maybe it would thrive without me. I'm used to having things center on me, for being responsible for invitations (whether anyone comes or not), the hosting (whether anyone comes or not)--which includes food, drink, entertainment, as well as keeping people's spirits up--, maybe I'm overbearing and needy. Or overreacting. Easy to do when you're alone.

I see two friends wave to each other in the distance and I think, “Why not me?” I know them. They know me. I've waved at them before. Should I--never mind. They're gone now.

And I can't help but wonder if I should go too.


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Comments (1 so far!)

Jim Stitzel

Jim Stitzel

I think everyone can relate to this feeling of aloneness. We've all been there. We've all questioned our own self-worth -- some of us more than others. There's something to be said, though, for working on developing a sense of self-confidence and being comfortable in one's own skin, regardless of how others see us. The comfortable and confident you with yourself, the more you work on your sense of self-definition and know and understand who you are as a person, the more (in general) other people are going to want to be around you. They'll see the change in you and find it attractive, even if they don't know why. It's work, but it's work worth doing.

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