I have been HS Wift for the longest time now, through some of the darkest hours I have known, and it warms my heart to know that the light that led me through lives on still.
May it never die.
The world spun.
Images flashed through his head like a montage in a bad movie. He steadied himself against the fence as the pavement threatened to swallow him whole. What was supposed to be a tour of nostalgic sights had given way to a slew of repressed memories that were inciting his lunch to make a break for freedom.
He didn't hear himself scream. He didn't feel his fist striking wood, his hands not yet realising that the demons he faced were hiding in the past. The futility brought him to his knees, as the rain fell more heavily upon his cheeks. Screams gave way to whispers as the phantom faces taunt him.
But who could he blame? The knowledge that it could not all be laid upon one insidious devil only fueled his anger. No master puppeteer, only faces in a crowd.
Your hand brought him to the present. You didn't need words, a comforting presence was all it took. You taught a fallen friend to stand again, and you empowered him to walk away.
To turn his back on the institute that turned its back on him.
No prequels yet. Why not write one?
No sequels yet. Why not write one?
Comments (7 so far!)
Average reader rating 3.00/5
Ah, thanks, I missed that. I was very tired when I wrote it, fixed now.
- #2283 Posted 6 years ago
No worries. It happens to the best of us. It reads much better now. :)
- #2284 Posted 6 years ago
- 3 out of 5
I had to read the ending over again. It was jarring to switch to 2nd person, but I get your intent. It added hope and brought a completely different feel to the story. I get the idea that this friend was touring with the main character and saw the 'fit' overcome them and was there to help. If they were not, the fact that the main character came to this hopeful place, putting the healing into their friend mentally, is quite remarkable.
- #2300 Posted 6 years ago
- #2349 Posted 6 years ago
Your vivid description builds the picture in my mind without any effort from me. Beautifully done.
With my grammar-police hat on, though, I think you missed "taunt" when you converted to past tense, and "Who" in paragraph 4 should be "whom", but now I'm splitting hairs.
- #2400 Posted 6 years ago
"He didn't hear himself scream" gives me the impression of a film where the music overcomes all other sound to better convey the emotion.
The addition of the second character gave an otherwise painful story some hope at the end, and for that I am grateful. It's not fun facing the demons of your past alone. Friends help forge new memories to overwrite the old negative ones.
- #2420 Posted 6 years ago
Betrayal. It's sharpness stings. You know that feeling of violation, and it is violating to have a secret become public. It's like someone pulling off a bandaid to reveal one of your fears, one that you thought was safe. It feels shameful. Sometimes it is…Betrayal but not by a person by Robert Quick
- Published 6 years ago and featured 6 years ago.
- Story viewed 44 times and rated 1 times.
- Challenge: Betrayal but not by a person
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Interesting concept. It's difficult to tell if this is a man plagued by mental illness or something of a more mystical variety, but either way, it's compelling. The empowerment of a friend is also vague and mysterious enough to add interest to the scene.
One problem with the narrative, though, is that you switch between present tense and past tense. It's a bit jarring. You should pick one and make sure to adhere to it throughout.