Haunted

Robert Quick

Where the -@!# did my muse go?

Writer, dreamer, knight, shackled by entertainment . . . and people.


It's so frustrating not knowing why things are the way the are. I'm on a familiar street. I think it's my own but it's hard to tell. It looks and feels like I should know it but there is no sense of recognition. It's night time and the street is dark, almost black. All the houses on this street are dark but perhaps not vacant. A covering mist, thin like a veil, hides the details of everything beyond six houses in any direction but there is an implication of immense dark shapes that don't quite move. It's dark but I don't know if it is night. There is no sun or moon. When I move, something behind me moves with me. I never catch sight of it but I hear it with every step I take.

I open the door to the nearest house. It's unlocked. Even without lights I know this place. It isn't home but I was raised here—at least partially. The carpet is thick and I remember carpet burns. A crack runs down the tv. I turn to leave.

I have to keep moving. If I don't, something bad will happen but I can't remember what or why.


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Comments (5 so far!)

Average reader rating 5.00/5

Jim Stitzel

Jim Stitzel

I hate dreams like that -- that sense of impending but unknown doom.

  • #2140 Posted 5 years ago
  • 0
ElshaHawk LoA

ElshaHawk LoA

Creepy. The descriptions of how you know things, but they aren't exactly familiar is perfect.

  • #2142 Posted 5 years ago
  • 0
Jim Stitzel

Jim Stitzel

Thanks for joining the first official challenge in our new digs! I'm looking forward to future challenges. 😊

  • #2190 Posted 5 years ago
  • 0
Fantasist

Fantasist

My goodness this feels like your describing one of MY nightmares. Scary in a very impressive way!

  • #2192 Posted 5 years ago
  • 0
  • 5 out of 5
Ary

Ary

There's an overuse of the words "street" and "dark" here. I think that this would be more impactful if it was more lyrical. I like when you're poetic in your words, so the repetition would fit if there was a more poetic feel to this.

At one point, your narrator claims it's night but later, says they're unsure if it's night time. If this confusion is intentional, then play it up. Really twist things and make them contradict. I'd like to see that odd, creepy style that we saw with your one doll story.

I'd really like to see more of the house that the narrator eventually goes into. The elements you shared were great, and I want more.

Overall, I really like the eerie, foggy element of this. I was confused, but in a good way. The disorientation is written very well, and I think expanding on it will only make this piece stronger. Great work!

  • #2256 Posted 5 years ago
  • 0
  • 5 out of 5

Story challenge:

I guess I'll kick this sucker off.

We all have dreams, some good, some nightmarish, but probably mostly somewhere in between. Pick a dream you've had -- recently, from childhood, whatever -- and use it as the basis of a story.

I'll leave the challenge …

I Dreamed a Little Dream.... by Jim Stitzel

This story's tags are

  • Published 5 years ago and featured 5 years ago.
  • Story viewed 33 times and rated 2 times.

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