3 Word Prompt: Lost, absolution, and peace

I am blissful, at peace.

I have worked for so long to achieve this state.

I know I had my personal problems before, but I have wrestled with them and I am doing better.

I hurt people. I didn't do it on purpose, and I have tried to make amends.

I have said my amens.

I have apologized, I have punished myself.

I have scourged myself clean.

I am better now.

And I have been granted absolution.

Forgiveness, requested, has been achieved.

They told me "all is forgiven."

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But to be truthful,

I have worked so hard for this,

To no avail, though others may see in me a better person now.

But I cannot find a way to unblame myself

The wretchedness and meanness of myself erodes through my soul

My self hate burns

Straight through me

All I should do, I feel, I have done.

All I have done means nothing to me.

I am loathsome, as I always have been.

If doing what is right and honorable helps me not at all,

I am confused and appalled.

What might I do, how can I love myself?

I am in a vast city of judgment,

So very lost.