I walk in its shade, its shadow. The sun cowers meekly behind the imposing monolith, a testament to society and order. My footprints lie vaguely in my wake, brushed by the desert winds. My parched throat longs for relief; my legs wail and gnash in pain. Whispers on the breeze, urging me back – back to comfort, back to certainty. I can see it now. Slate upon sheet, brick upon brick, reaching far beyond expectation. The structure looms, intimidating all who venture close. Countless rivets, holding more than metal. There, a fallen comrade. There, bones white-washed, grinning insanely face down in the sand. Once a rebel, now a shell; pale and insignificant, known only to those who are doomed to join him. The ground here is solid; concrete and cold.
There is no door. No frame. It was built to protect, but now is used to contain. We are imprisoned, with death or exile being the only escape. I will return one day, and free my people. Free them from the bonds that hold their spirits and their souls.
No prequels yet. Why not write one?
No sequels yet. Why not write one?
Comments (3 so far!)
This piece is heavy with evocative imagery, but I think it's almost too much in this case. It's hard for me to tell whether your viewpoint character is coming or going, or just remembering something. At one point it seems he's walking in sand then suddenly walking on a hard surface. The structure is at the same time described as a pinnacle of achievement and also a prison. I think the trouble is that you've got a scene that's too big for this one single space, and in trying to mash it in your narrative threads have gotten tangled. I definitely get the sense of a structure that's immense, cold, and impersonal, but I'm having a hard time determining what sort of relationship it has with your character.
- #721 Posted 8 years ago
I like the way you focus on showing rather than telling.
- #725 Posted 8 years ago
- Published 8 years ago and featured 8 years ago.
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The first paragraph is a bit dense with exposition. That's fine, usually, but try to vary up the sentence length and structures a bit to keep the reader engaged. Mix up short sentences with long ones and compound sentences (the semicolon'd one is a good example) and build up a rhythm.
In a more abstract view, it feels like there's much more to the scene than you describe, since there are lots of details that are described and discarded. Investing more wordage into fewer details will create more useful intrigue to draw the reader's curiousity.
A great piece with evocative imagery and an impressive backdrop!